SOURCE: Bohiney.com
EUROPE: Trump Standup Comedy
By: Miriam Katz ( Brown University )
The Annual Doomsday Discount Sale
Where Fear and Commerce Intersect
Ever notice how every year, a new doomsday prophecy rolls around, only to quietly fade when the end times stubbornly refuse to manifest? No matter—retailers are prepared! At the stroke of midnight on “apocalypse eve,” you’ll find half-off deals on bunker kits, canned beans, and survival onesies. Because who doesn’t want to spend their last hours rummaging through store aisles while a bored employee announces, “Clean-up in Aisle 5, the world is ending in 20 minutes”? If the afterlife requires coupons, we’re more doomed than we thought.
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Surreal Shenanigans: When Reality Takes a Vacation
Introduction
In an age where political maneuvers seem more scripted than soap operas and technology updates morph into headline-stealing fiascos, satire steps in to save our sanity. Welcome to “Surreal Shenanigans,” where we highlight the comedic spectacles lurking beneath our everyday headlines. Inspired by comedy legends like Ron White and Jerry Seinfeld, we tackle modern absurdities with a blend of irony, wordplay, and over-the-top exaggeration—sprinkled with actual Comedy at face value “evidence” (a term we use liberally) from witness accounts, “scientific” polls, and the ever-enlightening world of bohiney.com.
1. Donald Trump Meets British Immigration
The phrase “The Apprentice of British Immigration Policies” sounds like an SNL sketch gone off the rails, but this satirical piece proves truth is stranger than fiction. Experts (or at least a handful of late-night talk show hosts) claim it’s a lovechild of reality TV and international politics, complete with dramatic close-ups and accidental policy slip-ups.
2. Google Invites: The Modern Love Potion
Romance is alive and well—inside your calendar app. How to Keep the Romance Alive with Google Invites showcases how couples are scheduling “intimacy appointments” and “candlelit Zoom dinners” with the precision of project managers. Data from a “random sample” of tech-savvy newlyweds suggests 75% are more likely to show up on time for date night—when the calendar pings them.
3. Eagles Fans Discover Their Linguistic Arsenal
You know fandom has reached new heights when entire stadiums erupt in a chorus of newly invented four-letter words. This riotous report reveals that Philly grandmothers now use these expletives as punctuation. Witness testimonies confirm a 200% increase in colorful language during Sunday dinners, proving that football truly unites the family.
4. The Casting Couch-Free Success Story
Hollywood’s always been a realm of unthinkable extremes, and Jacqueline Bisset’s advice turns Tinseltown on its head. Through comedic analogy and “deductive reasoning,” starlets realize that actual talent may eclipse shady deals. Who knew?
5. Canada’s Booze Ban: The Drama Continues
When Stores Across Canada Pull American Booze from Shelves, you’d think it was the start of a new Cold War (pun intended). Polls from imaginary border watchers suggest the ban might spur renegade Maple Syrup Bootlegging. One “scientific” poll claims 83% of Canadians prefer whiskey with a side of poutine anyway.
6. Foreigners Footing the Bill?
“Foreigners Now Paying Our Bills” reads like a fantasy novel, but this hilarious exposé insists it’s the wave of the future. Online “surveys” propose that confused tourists might be swiping their cards at random terminals. Eye witnesses claim all it takes is a sign reading “Your Generosity Is Appreciated” near the arrivals gate.
7. Covid Fraud Hearings: Plot Twist of the Year
In what sounds like a crossover episode of Law & Order and The Twilight Zone, the Covid Fraud Hearings unravel with more drama than daytime TV. Leaked “scientific” documents, if you believe they exist, suggest political grandstanding is inversely proportional to actual facts. Perfect material for a Netflix docu-parody.
8. Mike McCarthy’s Legendary Contract Demands
Some contract demands are outlandish; these demands redefine the term. According to personal “testimonials” from unnamed staffers, McCarthy requires a gold-plated whistle and a personal cheerleading squad of highly trained penguins. It’s either a negotiation tactic or the premise for a future Disney movie.
References
- Donald Trump: The Apprentice of British Immigration Policies
- How to Keep the Romance Alive with Google Invites
- Eagles Fans Discover the F-Word
- Jacqueline Bisset: How to Succeed Without the Casting Couch
- Stores Across Canada to Pull American Booze from Shelves
- Foreigners Now Paying Our Bills
- Covid Fraud Hearings
- Mike McCarthy’s Insane Contract Demands
Disclaimer
This essay is the result of a purely human collaboration between two sentient beings—a cowboy and a farmer—who find humor in the chaos that swirls around us daily. No AI was inconvenienced or scapegoated in this comedic endeavor. When life seems too bizarre, remember that laughter (and satire) is your best defense.
Auf Wiedersehen!
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Kitchen Sink Journalism
Food Supply Mysteries, Wharfs, Sharpies, and Racing Politicians
When global supply chains meet comedic paranoia, Who and What Is Behind Wrecking Our Food Supply? offers absurd theories. On the West Coast, Santa Cruz Wharf Collapse merges seaside vibes with structural irony. For an extra twist, Average Age of Female White House Reporters Is 14 conjures images of a bubblegum press corps. Even everyday tools aren’t safe—The Sharpie Shortage asks if we’re doomed to pencil our signatures on everything. And in a final comedic sprint, Why Donald Trump Is Racing re-imagines a political figure donning a helmet for high-speed showdowns.
Auf Wiedersehen!
The Bohiney News and Satire
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Contact: Alan Nafzger (editor)